Love & Grief

 As some of you many know,  I lost my sister since my last post on here, and it has been a very difficult 5 months for me mentally. Never have I wished I had someone by my side than I do now. Not saying that having a man would ease the pain, but having him to just be there with me as I go through the phases of grief would be comforting. Yet, in the same breath I must admit at this point in my life I have been very resistant when it comes to forming new relationships and that goes for new friendships as well. Suffering such a tough loss as losing a sibling and so suddenly I have began to have this fear that if I form a close bond it can be taken away from me suddenly just like my sister was. I'm afraid to be vulnerable and open up myself to really get to know new people or let them get to know me. It's kind of a "why, they may not even be here for long" and I don't want to go through the pain of loss again anytime soon.

As I go through this journey of grief that I believe I will be on the rest of my life, I like to keep myself busy during the day.  I keep busy with work, hang out with family or friends and I do this as long as I can because when I get home it's like I am entering a totally different realm....a realm of darkness. It's already a bit awkward for people to be around me now, they seem to be very cautious with their words and try their best not to mention Joi or her passing. I have also noticed some people wonder why I don't want to talk about Joi when I am out or share with them my grief, and the answer to that, well it's simple. I have all of that time to think about Joi, cry over the loss, get mad, pray, ask why,  and have my sleepless nights the moment I leave everyone and walk into my house. Never have I felt so alone in this world than I do when I go home. My parents are suffering right along with me, but the only difference is they have each other. Joi was my support, the person I went to when things weren't right, when I was needed that shoulder to cry on, we comforted each other when our loved ones  passed, and I just knew in my mind she would always be there for me when times got rough, so her being gone was just like my whole world being taken away from me and I am starting from scratch. I have to learn how to trust again, love again, and overall live on my own, for the first time.

This quote sums up my how my life has been for the last 5 months. I grieve in silence most of the time unless someone hits me up to see how I am doing, and I still am not completely honest with them unless I feel comfortable enough to share how I am feeling that day. More mornings than I'd like to admit I wake up and just can't move. I can't find anything in me to get up and be apart of the world. Those are some of the most darkest days in my life. I just want to lay in bed or on the couch and not leave the house. I don't want to communicate with anyone, I don't want to eat I just want to be alone with my thoughts and cry. Luckily days like this don't happen too close to each other, but they happen.

 This goes right back to where I say I really wouldn't mind having someone special in my life right now that can just be there for me without necessarily being there. Some guys may think oh no I don't want to be with her she is definitely full of emotional baggage. However, I would have to say that's kind of far from the truth. Yes, I am grieving, however, I wouldn't bring that in to a relationship thinking it is his job to make me feel better and take away this pain. I would need him to be there, be that person I can rely on be the person who is there an brightens up my nights that are darker than I'd like them to be. I don't want him to have to be the one to be my fixer, but be my friend and my lover to help me start over again with love.

I don't want to close my heart off from loving again, that's something I have to handle within myself.  I want to get back out into the dating scene. I have been single going on 2 years now and  mentally I am ready to start dating and I am looking for something serious. Looking for something serious means a lot to me because the whole let's be friends with benefits, or the I really like you let's kick it, but I don't think I really want a serious relationship types are not what is going to be healthy for me as I move forward with love. I am fragile so if a guy isn't serious about being with me, friends we will stay and I have to keep it moving. Lying to myself saying oh we can just be friends and no feelings will be attached is not the move I need to take and I will be setting myself up for heartbreak and the cycle of hurt and loss will forever continue. I have this one guy in my life who has me hella confused at the moment. I thought I could start something serious with him, and it wasn't me just making this up in my head, we actually talked about it and I was really getting excited about the opportunity, yet it's like he took all that he said back. Now I'm out here looking like what just happened to him saying " I believe in destiny" "do you want to do this marriage thing with me" "I am looking to start something serious again". I think he is confused and scared, but hey that's just my thought. He's never been the super lovey dovey type and I am ok with that because he shows he cares in different ways. I just have to sit here and wonder if I want to go through this experience with him or should I let go now to avoid the let down. I hold on because there is this connection I have with him, that I have yet to feel with anyone else, and we keep coming back to each other after not speaking, after being in relationships with other people. I want to shake him since I can't tell if he is really down to be serious, but that whole fear of letting go too soon is sitting in the pit of my stomach.

Love and Grief, many times I think they don't mix, but as the same time I think that grief is a way to open new doors and began new journeys in life. Grief is a reminder that tomorrow isn't promised and that it's ok to love someone. Grief is also the price you pay for loving people. In the end grief and pain can't be avoided as long as you are alive and you should go after what you want and not be afraid to put yourself out there.  I will be taking my own advice as I remember "Love comes before grief, and love will be there after" I just have to find someone who wants to be there through the grief and not just after.